The Importance of Dating Before Marriage..Should You or Should You Not?

DesiremeDating before marriage is essential. It helps an individual make the decision whether they want to live with the other person for the rest of their life or not. Dating before marriage is usually referred to as courtship, because the relationship has passed the stage of just getting to know each other, but tailoring it towards marriage. The debate surrounding dating and marriage has been in existence for a while now, with some people advocating for it, and others against it all together. Nevertheless, going on dates that leads to marriage or not is still common. This indicates that it is still relevant for a majority of people. When planning to get married, there are a variety of reasons why dating before marriage is necessary and they include: First, dating before marriage helps you understand your partner better so that you can be able to get along with minimal conflict. The merging of two people from diverse backgrounds is likely to bring with it a lot of ups and downs, so it is better to go through the struggles before marriage, to know if you can cope with them before marriage. Second, when dating with the main goal being to get married, it helps the couple focus on what they should expect in marriage. This focus will help you evaluate whether you are ready for marriage or not, and the responsibilities that come with it. There are some couples that have realized while dating before marriage, that they are not compatible with each other and have ended the relationship before getting married. Third, understanding each other’s likes as well as dislikes are most likely to be discovered when dating before marriage. The more you understand your partner, the more likely you will be able to get along even better within the marriage. It is during this courtship period that you get to know what you can handle, and characteristics that you will not be able to live with. Fourth, future plans and ambitions of a couple are discovered when dating before marriage as they discuss different aspects of their lives. Most of the time, the plans and even ambitions of each partner may differ because they are living individual lives. However, as the courtship progresses it is important to be aware of the possibility of harmonizing future plans, so that you have the same focus. Fifth, dating before marriage strengthens a relationship because of the various life situations that the couple has to go through together as they prepare for marriage. It is in these life situations that you see your partner for who they are, and their ability to handle different situations that may also arise in marriage. However, for some couples, these situations open up their eyes to the realities of the life they are likely to live in marriage and they choose to opt out. Results of not dating before marriage Even with the importance of dating before marriage being emphasized in different types of publications, and married people, there are still couples that decide to forgo dating and just get married. The most obvious result of not getting to know each other before marriage is divorce. Many people who are divorced now, are likely to not have dated before making a decision to get married, and found that they are unable to handle the responsibilities of marriage or to live with the person they married. Another result of not dating before walking down the aisle is that you are not aware of the goal of the marriage. Lack of focus on where the marriage is heading is likely to bring about conflict because everyone has their own life that they want to live within the marriage. A marriage that does not have a common goal is likely to disintegrate at the first sign of trouble. In addition, friendship in dating is developed over time, and this cannot be done without courtship between two people. Friendship is important in a marriage because there are times when the feelings of love will not be there, but because you are friends, there are other points of connection. Overall, dating before marriage is important and should not be neglected if a marriage is to have a chance of survival.

And that’s really all I have to say about that.  We’d love to hear your comments.  Tell us what you think.  You Could win a FREE IPAD  check out:  http://scottlnkdesign.com or go to:  http://scottlnkdesign.com/EP-Website
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Internet Dating ..Your Profile

Great – you’ve decided to give Internet dating a go, and you’ve chosen a couple sites to trial. Signing up is easy, right up until it’s time to write your Profile. You don’t know how to write a profile, and if you did, you wouldn’t want to write it about yourself anyway. Is it time to panic?

Absolutely not! While it is very important to have a strong profile, it’s really not painful to create one. After all, you know what kind of things you’re looking for in another person, and you know what things you’re not looking for – if you avoid hyperbole and crazy claims, you’ll find that this is a very natural process. So take a deep breath and follow these guidelines to writing a realistic and interesting personal Profile.

Basic Statistics 510094
All Internet dating sites are going to ask for the same basic information: relationship status, your gender, who you’re looking for, where you live, your height and your body type. Don’t enhance or lie about any of these things. If you’re divorced, say so. If you’re single with kids, say so! These are the kind of things people really don’t want to find out later. Absolutely specify if you’re looking for men or for women. Since the whole point of listing on the site is to meet someone, be honest about your location. Don’t say you’re in New York if you’re really in Louisiana. That doesn’t help anyone. And as painful as it may be, list your true weight and body style. Nobody is expecting an Adonis or Aphrodite, and they’re going to be suspicious if you list yourself as male, 6’2″, six-pack abs, tan, blonde, blue eyes, athletic. Or if you say you’re a female, 5’7″, 120 lbs., 34c-24-34 and athletic. We all have some warts – acknowledge them and move on to the things that really matter. After all, if you aren’t honest about these most basic things, how can a potential date believe anything else you say?

Your Match
You’ll be asked for basic details on what you’re looking for – male, female, single, divorced, kids / no kids as well as age range and body type. As much fun as it would be to date a super model, keep these requirements as real as you can. If having kids is a showstopper for you, then say so. But if it doesn’t really matter, don’t call it out. And don’t ask for a perfect body unless you have one!

About Yourself
There will be a section where you can showcase yourself – use your own words to describe what’s important to you, what you’re looking for and what you offer. In this, don’t go for Pulitzer Prize winning material. Realism wins over style hands-down, every time. Use specifics – if you love walking, give details on whether it’s long, moonlit walks with a significant other or speed walking in a 10K race.

Overall Tone
Whatever you say, do it with enthusiasm, in a positive voice. And always, always be courteous. No profanity, no disparaging remarks. Ever!

Once you have a profile you think works, read it out loud to yourself. Listen impartially for sincerity and enthusiasm. Are you describing a person you’d like to meet? If the answer is yes, publish it on the Internet dating site!  And that’s all I have to say about that…..

Until the next time..Here’s Bloggin At You..Don’t forget to check out these links.  You could walk away with a new iPAD  (SWEET)!!

 

Seven Secrets to Find A Good Mate

4061251. Make a list of qualities you’d like in a mate. Then look at that list and get to work on having all those qualities yourself. It is not that you are looking for the “right one.” That is a “gimme” attitude. Become the “right one” that someone else would love to have as a spouse. Are you kind? Can you keep your apartment/house clean? Do you get places on time? Take some time to write down your answers to these questions. Use a spiral, or a journal…just do it.

2. Take a year (or at least 6 months) to get to know yourself without dating. Do you know what you like and dislike? What are your natural talents? What skills have you learned? What are your dreams? How would you like your life to be in 50 years? Do you know yourself? Are you living a life of total honesty and not deceiving anyone, including yourself?

3. STOP having sex and don’t move in with anyone. This is the #1 mistake women and men make over and over. Why would they want to marry you if they can have sex anytime and for free? Show me a woman who won’t go to bed with a man, who thinks of herself as a precious jewel, but is not arrogant, who is confident and happy with who she is and I’ll show you a woman that men are irresistibly attracted to.

4. Become content with being by yourself and without any person to make you feel complete. The best marriages are when two separate people are successful in their own lives (and in their own eyes!). They have accepted who they are and come to love themselves exact the way they are today. Can you say that about yourself?

5. Don’t worry and live in this day right now. Don’t look all the way down the journey. Just look at today and what you can do to make today better…for you. Take little tiny baby steps. And then take another step forward tomorrow. Always move forward. Forget the past and your mistakes. Lay them down. Better yet, learn the lessons from your past and MOVE ON!

6. Keep moving forward & keep getting up. Professional football players are amazing. After the play stops, they get up or jump to their feet and go back to the huddle or the line of scrimmage to execute the next play. All that seems to matter is that they gain a yard here, a few yards there, yet they are slowly moving in a forward direction. We can analyze too much, instead of putting one foot in front of the other, having faith that it will all work out for the best.

7. Ask for help when you need it. Everyone needs help at some time or another. No one gets totally healthy all in one day. It is a process; it takes time. Older and wiser people really have good advice to give. It will be well worth your time to listen and perhaps save yourself months and years of regret and sorrow. Be humble enough to listen to another’s suggestion, so that you don’t have to make the mistakes they did and so that you can live a fuller, more satisfying life!

Do Happy Marriages/Relationships Exist?

adoreebookHave you ever wondered how the people in happy marriages do it? Like how do they manage to be loving to their spouse day in and day out, no matter how cranky they are? How is it that these happy couples can put the needs of their significant other before their own needs all the time? Are they selfless? Not to mention trust. Most of us don’t know what it is to be able to fully trust ourselves, let alone another person, but people in happy marriages will tell you that it’s one of the main elements of a good relationship, so how do they manage to balance all of it?

It Is Not a Juggling Act, But Sometimes It Can Feel Like It Is

There are some basic elements of relationships that will allow you to go to the next level, from dating, to engagement, to marriage. It’s pretty unlikely that you would have gotten into a committed relationship with the person you’re married to if you didn’t have some of the essential building blocks for happy marriages at the beginning, so chances are that somewhere along the lines, factors such as mortgage payments, jobs and kids got in the way of the way that the two of you interact, so you’re going to have to bring it back out.

What to Nurture

Yes, there is that word – nurture. You need to work to nurture certain aspects of your relationship so that the two of you can feel that you’re in a solid committed relationship where you really and truly matter to each other. In other words, even though you both know that life would go on without the other one, it wouldn’t be nearly as fabulous. Stop thinking only about what you as an individual can do and start thinking about what you as a couple can do and you might begin to see what makes happy marriages tick.

Remember when you were a kid and you used to want to hang out with your best friend all the time? You did everything together and your parents thought that they had adopted a child. How fun was that? Now, you married your best friend, right? Well, maybe not, but happy marriages all around the world will tell you that life can be like one big “camp out” with your best friend. Start looking for ways to laugh together. Talk about everything. Like what interests them and you individually and you as a couple. The key is to show an interest in what your spouse is interested in and they will reciprocate for you and that’s a friendship.

Don’t forget to make time for intimacy. If your partner sees you make time for them in a completely giving way, not a ‘taking’ way, they will feel loved, not used. This is very important in any happy relationship and you will find all happy marriages have the couple loving one another intimately and with ‘loving respect.’ Building trust and self esteem in each other, will also take you into the land of happier marriages faster than you could realize. When your partner sees that you accept everything about them, they will drop the guarded, fearful behavior and let the real them shine. Remember that happy relationships have their own rhythm and take their own time. Yes, happy marriages do exist. So, from now on, focus on you and your relationship and work on getting yourselves to a state of happiness in your marriage everyday.

7 Rules in the Dating Game

7 Rules in the Dating Game.

7 Rules in the Dating Game

410133It is a well considered opinion that the best approach to dating is to see it as a game. All games have rules. From the traditional to the professional games of all shades and colours, rules are at the base of its enjoyment. The dating game is not left out. In fact, knowing the dating game rules and playing by it is a sine quo non for success in dating. These dating rules are applicable throughout the season of dating and beyond and would be helpful in sustaining the courtship and marriage relationships that could flow from a dating relationship. It applies to younger people who are dating for the purpose of socialization as well as the older people who are dating for the purpose of marriage. These rules also apply to relationships unrelated to dating, courtship and marriage. Learned and applied on other facets of life, these rules would give one the advantage in situations where dealing with other people are involved.

Rule 1: Independence and Sense of Self-worth

Your primary concern in any relationship – regardless of what kind of relationship it is – is to be yourself. This means that you need to know what you want from life and the relationship. You need to love and respect yourself. You need to know that you are an individual with potential for the best in life and not be prepared to settle for less. You might ask yourself these questions before you take up the dating bull by its horns – Who do I think that I am? What do I want from this relationship? Where are my moral boundaries? How much do I love myself? It would be a great idea to measure your self-esteem and self-confidence levels and ascertain that you are absolutely sure that you could not be confused by veiled seductive signals from the opposite sex.

Rule 2: Be prepared to create and have fun

The base purpose of all games is to create and have fun. There is no reason the dating game should be otherwise. When we try to make other people happy, we are happy ourselves. So, this is a rule you can derive its dual benefits with one act. The law of reciprocity comes to play here. If you give, you receive, most times double or ten times over. The next time, therefore, you have a date coming, remember this rule and get prepared in your mind on those things you can do to create fun for your partner so that you can also have fun. The success of any dating effort is rated by how much fun both partners had. If you deliberately plan and do make your date feel happy while you were out together, the better you feel yourself. It must be stated, though, that the fun spoken about here is not fornication – sexual intercourse.

Rule 3: Effective Communication

Effective communication is the bedrock of all relationships whether or not connected to affairs of the heart. Nowhere is this more critical than in the affairs of the heart. In fact, the dating and courtship period of every relationship is the time to learn and apply this rule so that one would be wise in it. In effective communication, you are not only just required to communicate well; you are required to help your partner to understand you. This could be a thorny challenge in life. Without effective communication, it would be difficult to find friendship, trust, respect, love, understanding, etc where the requisite building blocks of the foundation for joyful relationships are based. This is a critical rule. The Achilles’ heel to this rule is premarital sex. One of the ways to learn and apply this rule is to ask a lot of questions throughout the dating meeting.

Rule 4: Be Prepared To Discuss Differences

It is not all the time that your ability to communicate or obey rules would give you a smooth ride in a dating relationship. There are times that communication breaks down even between two people who may have thought that all is going well with their relationship. During those stormy seasons in a growing relationship, the ability to calmly discuss the differences is very helpful. Sometimes it is the only security for the relationship to continue. To be able to work through these rough waters of relationship, both partners should be willing to put all the cards on the table and discuss their differences with respect for each other’s boundaries and individuality.

Rule 5: Nurture Your Relationship

Every dating relationship and indeed all relationships, whether business, social, intimate and even the ultimate, marriage, need to be nurtured to keep going. Constant appreciation, value, consideration, reciprocity and thoughtfulness all help in showing each partner that he/she is cherished and valued and gives them a feeling that they have a place in your life. It must be stated though that these does not include sexual favors. In fact, premarital sex would harm the relationship badly.

Rule 6: Avoid Premarital Sex

There many reasons why you should avoid premarital sex. If that does not appeal to you, it would be wise to note that it is a breaking of the rule of the game of dating to have sexual intercourse during dating. The only time sexual intercourse is acceptable in human relationships is in lawful and legal wedlock. Premarital sex would take away the opportunity to build friendship and trust which are critical for the future development of the relationship to courtship and marriage. Premarital sex scuttles the ability of couples to learn and apply effective communication.

Rule 7: Ask The Most Important Questions On The First Date

This is critical especially if you are dating for the purpose of marriage. Some people believe it would have been better if the critical questions like family finance, how many children, extended family, demographics, sex, religion, etc, should be asked after the dating relationship has advanced far and may be into courtship. On the contrary, it best to trash the thorny issues first. If for example you are dating for marriage, is there any reason to waste several months with a man or woman whose financial plan, religion, demographics, number of children, sex and extended family ideas are at variance with yours. You can trash these issues on the first date and that would help you know whether you should see the person again.

New Rules to the Dating Game

404607 There are new rules to the dating game and you have to be ready to play.  Things have changed.  Age is just a number to most of us.  If we meet someone and the rhythm clicks, then it’s a go. The most important thing to remember now is that it’s your time to be happy.  You’ve spent most of your life giving to others so now it is time to give back to yourself. So what do you do?  What is your first approach?  There are tons of dating services, they all seemed to be ranked the same. It’s very hard to pick up the phone and say, I need a date because you don’t know what’s on the other end and you have to be careful what you wish for.  You might just get it.  So are you ready?  What has brought you to this point?  You’re 55 years old and you woke up one day to find that your husband of 30 years has walked out on you for a younger women.  It was so devastating but you’ve managed to get pass that.  You let yourself go for a while because nothing seemed to matter.  You thought that the man you married would be the one and only man in your life.  He’s the only man in the world that knows everything about you.  He knows how you laugh, how you cry, your touch, your smell.  He knows everything about you.  Your most intimate secrets so how do you start all over again getting to know a stranger.  There are so many good qualities in my ex that I could never replace.  So I don’t know if I can even look at another man.  Let alone him putting his rod in me which I’m sure he will expect to happen sooner or later.  I really don’t know how to handle this dating thing.  I pray that God will give me the strength to start over.  I don’t want to be lonely.  I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to reach over and find my bed cold and empty.  What do I do?  I could just stop and live the rest of my life as a lonely old woman or I could put the past behind me and go on living.  I wished I knew what to do.  I thought that my husband would love me forever.  I didn’t see this coming.  I can’t turn back time but I can wash away a little gray, buy some sexy underwear.  Start taking better care of my body.  The main thing is, I want to feel good about myself for me.  If by chance I do run into someone who is kind and makes me laugh maybe we’ll sit down and have a meaningful conversation.  Then we’ll go from there.  I wonder how many women are facing the same thing I’m facing right now.   What will be the downfall of my life?  There so many things that I have to deal with now, the hot flashes, the night sweats, the irritable mood swings and being alone.  But for now I’m going to get ready for the dating game and checkout what’s available.  When I find something I’ll let you know.  And that’s all I have to say about that.  So what are your comments?  Are you ready for the dating game?  Send me your comments.  We’d love to hear what you have to say.  Maybe we can help each other.  So let’s talk…In the meantime, keep blogging.  Hey check out these sites.  On one of them, they’re giving away a free IPAD just for joining their group so check out the links to find the one.

Later

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To Be or Not To Be – Is Love The Answer

111365Is this really the question?  I’ve taken care of you for 15 years and now you’re ready to leave.  I’m good enough to scrub your clothes but I’m not good enough to marry.  I gave you everything I had and now you’ve made a child with someone else.  To be or not to be, that is the question. 

Introducing James and Monica

James and Monica met at the University.  Monica was very shy but James was very outspoken.  Very popular with the ladies.  Everyone adored him so he had plenty of friends.  Monica still reflects back on the day that James asked her out on a date.  She immediately said yes and from that day one they were inseparable.  Monica found as time went on she was doing everything to please James to keep him happy.  From dusk to dawn she waited on him hand and foot.  He never had to worry about a thing.  She loved him so much.  He meant the world to her.  Then one day after a hard day at work, Monica decided that she wanted to do something really special for James.  Since it was their 15th anniversary, she decided to take him out on the town.  She had it all planned, she would be waiting for him when he walked through the door with his favorite bottle of wine.  She would whisk him off to their favorite restaurant where they would have dinner by candlelight.  And then, they would come home and set the mood for some all-night passionate love making.  It doesn’t get any better than this.  She could hardly wait to surprise him.  James had left unusually early for work today without even mentioning their anniversary.  This was ok though because Monica knew he had a lot on his mine. His job was so demanding of him and she was so understanding in this area.  This was one of the qualities that James loved about her was her ability to be so understanding and never pressuring him when he had to spend extra hours away.  She was so thankful for their beautiful 2 story home with the 3 Cadillac’s and Mercedes Benz.  She had everything a woman could want and even more.  No worries there.  As Monica arrived home it was a little after six and she knew that she had at least another hour before James would be walking through the door.  Every minuet that passed made her more and more excited.  Just the wait alone would drive her mad.  At the front of the door she turns her key and starts to walk in.  A cold rush comes across her body, nothing like she’s ever felt before.  Something’s wrong she says to herself and she hurriedly flips on the lights.  Oh my God, we’ve been robbed.  Robbed, she gasped, what robber would take the time to remove all of the furniture and then it suddenly hit her.  We haven’t been robbed, James has left me.  Somehow he’s come home during the day and removed everything from our home.  Looking across the room where the dinner table used to be, there’s a letter.   As I picked it up to read it said:  Dear Monica, I’m sorry things have to end this way and I know you’re probably thinking that this is a shitty way to leave but the truth is, I don’t love you anymore.  To be or not to be, that is the question, I had to ask myself after living in a miserable life for 15 years.  I had to find the courage to go.  There is someone in my life that I love very much and we have a baby on the way.  It’s a boy and it’s due any day now.  So I’m sorry, I’ll leave you some money in the bank.  This will help out until you get on your feet.  Please don’t try to contact me, this is the best way.  Monica is in shock.  She is so devastated, she can hardly move.  Her whole life flashed before her eyes.  And then there was a loud pop!!!……

The newspaper read the following day.  Wife comes home to an empty house to take her own life.  To
Be or Not to Be, that is the Question.  And that all I have to say about that.  We’d love to hear your comments on the story.  Tell us what you think.  Check out our blog at:  http://scottlnkdesign.com

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We love to hear your comments.  In the meantime.  Here’s Bloggin at you Kid.

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111453

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Get AMP – Volume 2 …Love is the Question? I’ve Got The Answer

Let’s Get AMP – Volume 2…Love is the Question?  I’ve Got the Answer

Today is a good day, love is all around us and the question is:510105

Do men really cheat on their spouses more than women do, or do they just get caught more often?

Answer:

Historically, men have reported being unfaithful twice often as women, according to Robin Milhausen, Ph.D., professor of family relations at the University of Gouelph in Ontario. “But today, the genders are almost equally unfaithful—23% for men and 19% for women.”  The reasons for infidelity differ, though.  For a woman, it’s sexual incompatibility that makes her more likely to cheat.  Men who are easily aroused-meaning they’re more responsive than most to attractive women-are more likely to stray.

Question:

My husband hides porn under the mattress on his side of the bed.  I found it and some of it is really distasteful.  Should I confront him with it or should I just put it out of my mind?  C. Mandrake, Los Angeles

Answer:

First of all, what were you doing snooping around under your man’s mattress anyway? What were you looking for?  It sounds like you need to check yourself before it’s too late.  He may be trying to tell you something.  Maybe you need a little excitement in your love life.  Have you ever considered role playing?  Think about it before you attack him with something you weren’t supposed to know about anyway.  If you trust him, don’t let a silly thing like porn destroy your relationship, it’s just a magazine.  And if you feel that strong about it, get involved.  I have a few ideas and I just happen to have a few naughty items in stock that I’m sure could add to your role playing.  So by all means, email me at scottlnk@aol.com and let’s get this party started ok.

Question:

My husband has no problem buying what he wants, but he gets upset when I splurge.  Why?      J. Anderson, Memphis, TN

Answer:

It’s nearly impossible to keep things 50-50, but if there’s extra spending money, you should both be entitled to it.  Figure out why your man is playing power games.  Does he feel your splurges are too expensive or impractical or think he should be the only one spending?  Discuss your finances and determine together how much money each of you have for discretionary spending.  It might help to set a limit, like $200, for how much either of you can spend without running it by the other.  But by all means, don’t keep secrets.  You are an item.  Your money is his money and his money is your money.  So if you can remember that, you’ll never have to worry.

Question:

My boyfriend and I are engaged and are planning to marry in the fall.  I love him with all my heart but he has hinted to me that he would like to swap with our next door neighbors.  Addie and Carl have been our friends for over 3 years and we do everything together.  Addie is very attractive and very loose.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t judge.  She does what she wants as long as she stays in her own space and does not cross into mine.  I came home one day and Addie was asleep in my guest bedroom.  Apparently, she and Carl had had a fight.  I didn’t think anything about it at the time but now I don’t know.  Bobby has started to hint more and more that we should try this because it could help our relationship and theirs.  I don’t know Ms. P, I thought what we had was sacred and I don’t want to share my man.  What should I do? S. Bloomsdale, Atlanta, GA

Answer:

Well Sandra, it sounds like it may have already started without you.  I mean you came home and she was in your bed, which should have been your first clue.  She lives only 2 doors down from you, why didn’t she just go home.  And now Bobby all of a sudden wants to swap, what’s that all about?  You need to put an end to this nonsense and put an end to it now, if you value your relationship.  If you let this happen, you may not recoup from it.  So please think about it before it’s too late.  I’m not trying to tell you what to do but get that notion out of his head so you can get back to planning your wedding.  And thats all I have to say about that…

You out there, we’d love to hear your comments.  Tell us what you think.   Looking forward to the next Volume of AMP?

While you’re at it, check out our blog at:  http://scottlnkdesign.com

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In the meantime:  Keep Bloggin and I’ll see you at the top!!!

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Put Some Passion In It

111365Passion Pep Talk

Away we go…..When a relationship is new, lovemaking feels as natural and spontaneous as sunrise.  Sex just seems to happen.  In the morning, at midnight, between the main course and desert, just before going out for the evening, it can happen anytime of the day and it’s wonderful.  But what about after years of marriage, mortgages, and maternity leave, it can fall off the “Things I’m Dying to Do list and join the Things I Really Ought to Do list and join the Things I Really Ought to Do list – right under “start diet” and “flood-proof Kids’ rooms.” You know you’re always pouring with happiness when you do have a romantic romp with your partner, but finding the time, energy and even the desire can become elusive.  According to a new Australian study, 27% of wives and 54% of husbands say they would like to have more sex.  But 22% of married women in their 50s and 37.9% of married women in their 60s haven’t had sex during the past year.

Not surprisingly, it starts with what you think and what you say to each other.  Here are five fire-starting words to help boost your sexual mood.

Passion Pep Talk #1

Now?

I LIKE TO FOOL AROUND in the evening but my husband’s a morning man.  When we didn’t have kids or demanding jobs.  It was easier.  Is there any way to synchronize our sexual watches?

First make sure you understand the reasons you each prefer a different time of day.  Is it because he’s too exhausted and agitated after a day at work?  Are you distracted in the morning about getting the kids off to school? “After you’ve identified your concerns, it’s up to the other person to come up with a practical solution, “says Terri Orbuch, PhD, a psychologist and the author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.  Maybe you can arrange for the kids to have a sleepover with Grandma once a week if she lives nearby.  Maybe your husband can work on putting his office politics obsession on ice for one night.  Try It.

Passion Pep Talk #2

More?

ALTHOUGH I REACH ORGASM most easily through oral sex, my husband seems to oblige me only grudgingly.  How can I get him to be more into it?

A recent Kinsey Institute study of middle-age couples found that one of the most important predictors of a man’s happiness in a relationship was his ability to make his partner climax.  So if you make it clear that this particular technique is your ticket to the top he’s likely to cooperate.

“Try saying, ‘I get really turned on when you do this, and I’d love you to do it more often,’ “says Andrea Syrtash, the author of Cheat on Your Husband (with Your Husband).  Also, don’t assume he’s begrudging you: maybe he’s a little insecure about his performance, Dr. Orbuch says.  Again, he’ll probably appreciate specific feedback, and few things are more of a turn-on for a man than watching a woman become turned on.  Finally suggest any changes that might make oral sex more appealing to him, like trimming your public hair or trying a new position that’s more comfortable for him.

Passion Pep Talk #3

Hello

WHEN WE’VE BEEN FIGHTING, I don’t feel like having sex, but he’s as hot to trot whether we’ve just had a nice dinner out in a restaurant or spent all evening arguing about our kitchen renovation.

Some stereotypes about men and women are true, and this is one of them.  “Men seek sex as a way to feel close, but women need to feel close in order to have sex, “Dr. Orbuch says. After an argument, women often get trapped in their heads, replaying the details of the dis-agreement and dwelling on the negative emotions.  In fact, according to a recent study in the Journal of Family Psychology, women actually derive relationship satisfaction if their partners know they’re upset, because women take it as a sign that their husbands are trying to empathizes with them and really do want to be attentive (even though it may be just perceived effort).

Passion Pep Talk #4

Wow!

SINCE I’VE GAINED WEIGHT, I feel self-conscious.  Plus.  I haven’t been working out as much as I should.  Short of a makeover, how can I recapture my confidence in bed?

It’s not how you look that matters.  It’s how you feel about how you look.  “Studies have shown that body image has nothing to do with actual appearance,” Dr. Herbenick says. “No matter how ‘lumpy’ you’re feeling, it’s the ability to manage your anxieties about your body that makes the difference.

Passion Pep Talk #5

Yes!

AFTER 13 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, I still very much love my husband.  But I don’t feel as much desire as I’d like to.

“Low libido is both a common and complex issue,” says Tieraona Low Dog, MD, of the Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine and the author of Life is Your Best Medicine. “Hormones can wreak havoc in lots of ways.  Birth control pills are known for decreasing testosterone and therefore diminishing sex drive at any age-even well into your 40s-as do low thyroid function and the hormone swings that are hallmarks of perimenopause and full-blown menopause.” If these aren’t issues for you, then it’s probably those old standby passion derailers when there’s no particular problem: stress and worry.    There are natural aphrodisiacs that can help.  Dr. Low Dog recommends three in particular, starting with whatever, derived from wild asparagus.  “Its Sanskrit name means ‘she who possesses 100 husbands,’ and while its primary use is for hot flashes, it also aids libido and fertility,” Dr. Low Dog says.  Another example is maca, considered a passion plant in its native Peru.   Try It.  You’ll be saying yes in no time.  And that’s all I have to say about that.  What do you think?  We’d love to hear your comments.  Tell us what’s on your mind.  So keep Bloggin until the next time.  We are out…

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