Love, Dating and Marriage

For one who has spent quite a number of years on the love, dating and marriage scene, I feel qualified to make certain bold statements. Without apology, it is quite clear that every normal human being desires to be happy. However, let the truth be told to those who care to listen that being married or being single has nothing to do with being happy. Deciding to get married because you are presently unhappy may open you up to a rude shock! Conversely, deciding to stay single because many marriages these days don’t last may leave you equally unfulfilled and unhappy. Being happy is a choice, remaining single is a choice and being married is a choice. You can CHOOSE to be the way you want to be. What you choose is what you become! It is this basic lack of understanding that has precipitated the numerous cries of “help save my marriage” that is noised all over the place these days.111474

The western world has the greatest number of relationship experts, counselors, books, and materials yet holds the record of having the highest divorce rate, most number of single parents, and a greater ratio of single women of marriageable age to married than at any other period in time. Furthermore, there is a consistent move away from the heterosexual relationship and an emphasis on same sex relationship/marriage.

In my extensive study and research on the internet, one cannot but wonder if the aim of these so-called experts giving advice in love relationship is to mislead the vulnerable, gullible and unsuspecting consumers of their products and services and sabotage their relationships. One of the tenets of capitalism is to find out what the consumers want, produce, sell and make a killing out of it. The direct consequence of this phenomenon on the relationship scene is that in order to produce best-sellers, experts have continued to churn out stuff that THE CONSUMERS WANT TO HEAR not the things they NEED TO HEAR!!! No wonder the high rate of relationship failure and a destruction of the marriage and family institutions. It is all a game of numbers, and bountiful sales lead to plenty dollars in the bank. It is this burden to make a positive difference in the lives of people and correct all the false psychological theories that birthed this article

Marriage comes with certain ENJOYMENTS that singles are not afforded. Marriage is an adventure that you are encouraged to explore. However, with the enjoyments come the responsibilities. Note that you may enjoy without being happy. You may enjoy the financial security that comes with being married or the sex, the status, the respect you are given for being a married woman/man, the joy of parenthood e.t.c.   No wonder some stay married despite the fact that they are not really happy. The reason is that there are some aspects of the relationship that they are enjoying and to them the benefit of staying married outweighs the divorce/single life option.

UNDERSTANDING THE RESPONSIBILITIES

The male man (man) and the female man (woman) are both human beings but with different roles. In a relationship, two is attempting to become one. They must thus understand that to operate as ONE TEAM each must understand and operate in its unique role. The male becomes the HEAD of the team while the female becomes the HEART of the team. The man is called to lead while the woman is called to help. The heart is the organ to love with while the head is the organ to think, reason and coordinate with. As the heart, it is easy for the woman to be tender and loving but she has to learn to yield, submit to the leadership of her man and to complement and not compete with him. As the head, it is easy for the man to lead and co-ordinate and take the initiative but he must learn to be tender and loving always responding to the heart deep advice and nudging of the woman. This is the perfect team! Anything other than this arrangement is CONFUSION!!

The woman in a relationship may be intelligent and richer than the man but she has to step aside and let him take charge because that is his calling. To illustrate this: Take for example a car. All the occupants of the car may know how to drive. But to get them to their mutual destination only one of them will have to drive. This is because there is only one driver seat. Others may give their opinion as to where and when to turn in order to get them to where they are going but the decision and the responsibility lie in the hands of the driver. That is the man’s role. The moment each person in the relationship understands that marriage comes with enjoyments as well as responsibilities and each person is willing to accept and carry out their responsibilities, true happiness will be the result. This I believe is the best relationship love advice that can be offered at such a difficult time on the relationships scene.

 

Until the next time, here’s bloggin at you kid..  Scotts Link!!110889

Relationships and Dating – Older Women are not Cougars

First, let’s get one thing straight, we (older women) are not predators.  We are solely, mature, wise, intelligent females who are deserving in this world and we deserve to be happy.  If a man our age cannot keep up with our sexual requirements, then there is nothing wrong with our desire to seek out the “younger” male.  At 55, some of us have just started to live.  So we want to live life to the fullest.  Holding nothing back.  I for one do not wish to spend my life alone.  I am thankful each and every day that I have a man in my life who I adore.  I love him so much and I wish that every woman will have the opportunity to experience this kind of love.Click Here

Women have made significant strides in eliminating the barriers and double standards that were so commonplace a generation ago. It doesn’t mean we as a society have reached the equal opportunity plateau but things are changing. Yet the double standard in some areas not only exists but remains entrenched. A perfect example is in the older woman younger man relationship.

When the shoe is on the other foot; namely an older man young woman, it seems the perspective changes significantly. After all it’s been around and accepted longer than most of us can remember. An older man gets a pat on the back while listening to an overwhelming majority of people sing his praises. He’s still got it is a common refrain. Not so for the older woman. It’s all too often considered indecent or shameful that she would even think about dating someone outside of her age group. Never mind the fact that both parties are two consenting adults that just happen to find each other attractive while enjoying their time together. Currently there is a new terminology for older woman younger man dating called cougar dating. The implication is fun and intimacy without any serious commitment and for many adults that’s okay. But in essence cougar means on the prowl ready to pounce on any unsuspecting prey and moving on. Also understand that term does not apply to both parties. Specifically it is the older woman seen as the predator. Yes some sophisticated older women may be interested in nothing more than a one night stand or a May – December romance. But as you have already figured out that is also the way it is with many older men and yet no one calls that type of relationship lion dating. Whether certain well to do unattached older women made up the name for themselves is irrelevant. The point is society has decided to latch on to the phraseology and paint this kind of relationship as something other than what it is. People are people and no matter what the age range and or difference there are different motivations and desires at work when it comes to a relationship. For the majority of older women younger men it is about two individuals. Nothing more, nothing less. Like any dating relationship, there is attraction a certain amount of compatibility and a willingness to see if there is something to build on. The fact that an older woman is singled out and labeled for being in this kind of a relationship tells you as a society we still have a long way to go when it comes to female equality. And that’s all I have to say about that. What do you think about the whole Cougar thing? We’d love to hear your comments on the subject. Drop us some lines. In the meantime, check out the following sites and put some magic in your life. Go to: http://scottlnkdesign.com and http://scottlnkdesign.com/EP-Website For matters of the heart: http://designsintuition.com/passion also

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Seven Secrets to Find A Good Mate

4061251. Make a list of qualities you’d like in a mate. Then look at that list and get to work on having all those qualities yourself. It is not that you are looking for the “right one.” That is a “gimme” attitude. Become the “right one” that someone else would love to have as a spouse. Are you kind? Can you keep your apartment/house clean? Do you get places on time? Take some time to write down your answers to these questions. Use a spiral, or a journal…just do it.

2. Take a year (or at least 6 months) to get to know yourself without dating. Do you know what you like and dislike? What are your natural talents? What skills have you learned? What are your dreams? How would you like your life to be in 50 years? Do you know yourself? Are you living a life of total honesty and not deceiving anyone, including yourself?

3. STOP having sex and don’t move in with anyone. This is the #1 mistake women and men make over and over. Why would they want to marry you if they can have sex anytime and for free? Show me a woman who won’t go to bed with a man, who thinks of herself as a precious jewel, but is not arrogant, who is confident and happy with who she is and I’ll show you a woman that men are irresistibly attracted to.

4. Become content with being by yourself and without any person to make you feel complete. The best marriages are when two separate people are successful in their own lives (and in their own eyes!). They have accepted who they are and come to love themselves exact the way they are today. Can you say that about yourself?

5. Don’t worry and live in this day right now. Don’t look all the way down the journey. Just look at today and what you can do to make today better…for you. Take little tiny baby steps. And then take another step forward tomorrow. Always move forward. Forget the past and your mistakes. Lay them down. Better yet, learn the lessons from your past and MOVE ON!

6. Keep moving forward & keep getting up. Professional football players are amazing. After the play stops, they get up or jump to their feet and go back to the huddle or the line of scrimmage to execute the next play. All that seems to matter is that they gain a yard here, a few yards there, yet they are slowly moving in a forward direction. We can analyze too much, instead of putting one foot in front of the other, having faith that it will all work out for the best.

7. Ask for help when you need it. Everyone needs help at some time or another. No one gets totally healthy all in one day. It is a process; it takes time. Older and wiser people really have good advice to give. It will be well worth your time to listen and perhaps save yourself months and years of regret and sorrow. Be humble enough to listen to another’s suggestion, so that you don’t have to make the mistakes they did and so that you can live a fuller, more satisfying life!

You Can’t Have Him

He’s cheated on me, should I forgive him?  I’ve always been a loving caring wife. Over the past 30 years, I’ve done more than my share trying to keep our relationship together but what happens when enough is not enough.  I look at myself in the mirror and ask what happened to that beautiful bubbling butterfly I used to be? I use to feel so good about myself, now I’m so depressed.  It’s not fair, what did I do to deserve this?  Life drains us little by little each day.  I’m so afraid of being along and like so many other women, I’ve grown to accept the error of his ways.  His girlfriend is bold.   She calls our home at least once a day and hangs up when I answer.  She even makes a point to leave her personals in his car to be sure that I find them.  She tries very hard to torment me and most of the time it works.  She wants him, she wants to take the man away from me who has stolen 30 years of my youth.  The man that I supported when he didn’t have a job.  The man that I helped pay his child support to keep him from going to jail.  She wants a part of me that I refuse to give up without a fightShe wants him.  It hasn’t been easy being married to him.  Sometimes he’s as mean as a snake. He snores at night so loud you can hear him a block away. He has so many bad qualities but they are my qualities and I still love him.   Although he’s never hit me, his tongue at times has cut me like a knife.  He belittles me and then builds me up.  I don’t know why I love him so much.  I wonder what he feels when he’s making love to her.  I wonder does he think about me.  At one time, we had passion that was so strong.  I thought that nothing could ever come between us, but what do you do? I know you out there reading this must think I’m crazy and a fool but you have to ask yourself, what you would do.  My husband takes good care of me.  I live in a wonderful neighborhood in a beautiful home.  I drive a new car and I have plenty of money to spend but there’s someone out there who wants what I have and she’s trying hard to take it away from me.  So, just for the record, I’m not leaving so your little games are not going to work.   What’s the quote, “If you love someone, set them free” and if they’re truly yours they’re supposed to come back to you?  I don’t know how true this statement is but I guess I’m about to find out.  She wants to break up our home but I refuse to go without a fight.  I can go the distance so whoever you are, I hope you’re listening.  You see, I’ve vested too much of me into this man and you can’t have him.

What do you think?  We’d love to hear your comments.  Are you competing with the other woman?  Let’s talk about it.

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The love of my life

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Sex & Love …The New Rules

No sex until the third date?  What?
Living together before marriage….Maybe? 

The world has changed.  Thirty years ago, living together before marriage was a little taboo.  You wouldn’t dare admit to having sex before marriage.  What has the society we live in today turned into?  I’ve heard quite a few woman say, I’m not sleeping with a man until he marries me or from the words of “Beyoncé, Put a Ring on it”, you might be waiting a long time, if you’re waiting for your mate to marry you.  There was a time when it was said that shacking up is bad for a relationship.  The old why buy the cow when you can get the milk FREE has officially been put out to pasture.  According to the most recent findings from the National Center for Health Statistics, a cohabiting couple has the same chances at a happy marriage as a pair who don’t share an address before tying the knot.  “Couples just need to be honest about why they’re deciding to move in together, “says Bill Cloke, Ph.D., author of Happy Together: Creating a Lifetime of Connection, Commitment, and Intimacy. “Is it a test run to see if the relationship is a good fit, with the option to bail if it isn’t?  That’s a failing proposition from the get-go.”  Nor should you and your mate shack up to save money or because a roommate has moved out.  The grown-up way to play house:  Make an emotional commitment first.  Discuss your future together to make sure this move is a stepping stone and not some sort of temporary or circumstantial solution, says Cloke. 

A no-strings shag can never turn into something meaningful.  Mr. Tonight could very well become Mr. Right:  A recent study showed that casual sex sometimes evolves into a committed relationship.  How do you boost the odds that your fling will turn into something more serious?  Reset the pace.  Despite how intimate your first date was, resist the temptation to see him every day and sleep over every time you hang out.  “It takes time for a relationship to become real, and if you see him constantly and keep it all about sex, you create only a false sense of closeness. 

Never go to bed angry.  This I can swear by.  It’s a widely held belief that if you don’t troubleshoot a tiff immediately, the unresolved conflict will fester overnight.  There is a saying that “Penciled – in passion can be steamier than a random romp.”  The truth is, most couples don’t see eye to eye when they’re angry, so the chances of successfully resolving a dispute when you still have smoke coming out of your ears is slim.  The answer: Sleep on it, but commit to work it out in the light of day. “When you hold on to anger for a reasonable amount of time before expressing it, you have time to process your feelings and gain mastery over them.”

Don’t talk about money matters unless you’re married.  It’s no surprise that people try to avoid conversations about cash-experts say money is one of the top three hot-button issues for couples.  But it’s important to find out if you’re on the same page financially before you get hitched.  “If you are a committed couple and you don’t talk (or fight, albeit respectfully) about money issues while you’re dating, there will be a “flight “at some point-a potential splitting-up over these issues, “says Cloke. 

There’s no need to bring up your 401 (k) on the first date, but you should definitely disclose whatever financial baggage you’re bringing into the relationship before things get serious.  Whether you’re saddled with serious student loans or you’re regularly change your phone number to avoid the good folks at MasterCard, come clean – and encourage your mate to do the same.   It’s important to be honest with each other.  How you spend and save as a couple will affect not only your daily lifestyle but also the plans you’re able to make for the future. 

So what are your thoughts on this?  Send us your comments, we’d love to hear from you.  I have to ask this one question, does your mate know exactly how much money you earn?  Is it a secret?  Let us know your thoughts on the subject.  Until the next time.  I’ll be Bloggin at yea…..

Scott Link!

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